My dear Amma,
You watched me cry and cry to you yesterday, telling you I was under immense stress, that I could not find a way out myself, and asking you to help.
Last evening while I was talking to my love, you spoke to me. You told me that if, as I felt, I did not have the strength or capacity to tackle this problem, to let you handle it.
That resonated with something within me. Amma, that is what I am doing now. It is something I can't handle on my own. It is in your hands.
And yes Amma, what you said this morning is so true. I do want everyone to approve of what I do, to feel it is right. That is simply not going to happen. After all, I do not approve of all that they do, but they do it nevertheless.
What my love has told me repeatedly comes to mind. He says if I feel something is wrong, then to stop doing it. Do I feel that my loving him and being with him is wrong? No.Then help me get rid of the guilt, Amma. My heart tells me I am not doing anything wrong. It is my mind that tells me this is not normal, acceptable behaviour for a Tamil woman. Thus the guilt.
Amma, I don't know if this variance between heart and mind is normal or whether I am abnormal, but that is what creates so much unhappiness within me. That is what tears me in two, two parts of me pulling me in opposite directions. Tell me how to heal the rift within, Amma, and to make my heart and mind co ordinate and work in tune with each other. Help me be a whole person.
With love and gratitude,
Your loving daughter,
Vidya
Dear Vidya,
ReplyDeleteIf you think and do everything based on your own will and wish then, expecting others to accept it is not fair. On the other hand, if you did something on your own in your relationships then you must take the full responsibility as live 'people' are involved in those changes that you made. Live 'people' in the sense they are just like your own live 'children' with flesh & blood and you have to treat them all with the same feeling / respect. You can not treat them any different and/or neglect them for the sake of your convenience. It is absolutely wrong.
I am not fully convinced with your trust in Amma. Even you call yourself a 'cheater' you know the truth from the bottom of your heart. You also know that Cheaters will Never win!
Everyone has their priorities in life. Setting priority at the age of 50 is very very important. Even people at the age of 25-35 yrs old are well known to this act why not you at your age?
a). If your love is not your no.1 priority then you have to ask why did you choose him?
b). If you chose him then why are you setting others in life as no.1 priority?
c). If you and your feelings are no.1 priority then you can ignore others including your love and family / children. Would you do that?
d). Again, if others (including your children and family but excluding your love) are no.1 priority then you should ignore your love. There is no love. Will you accept it?
Whatever may be the state you choose, you will do it yourself and you need courage to execute it. You know that very well. Do you have the strength / courage to identify and execute anything like that?
Its like trying to get the honey without getting stunk!
Wise words:
In order to get something in life, you have to loose something. Its the law of physics in life. No one (including you vidya..) could possibly get everything without sacrificing something in reality. No history at all. So,why think about getting 'everything' then? Simply, not possible. Accept it. Otherwise, Amma could have mentioned that to you. Why bless you & your love if Amma knew there is another way?
Amma has given you everything and it seems, you think you deserve more, keep asking more and more. You get nothing at the end!
Life is beautiful. Have a good life with your love and establish 'your' family & friends on 'your own' starting from now. Then you will see a very different world that is created by you and I am sure you will like it. Nothing could possibly replace the feeling of building something on your own.
You will enjoy your life with your love in the world which you have created for him. Can you imagine the life style in that world you create in and living together with your love every day?
I think, its Amma's wish too. You are blessed to start creating your own world. Why wait? Get set your priorities and go.
God bless Vidya. Om Sakthi