New life

My dear Amma,

You told me months ago to stop swaying like a pendulum and to be steady instead.

Amma, I know I am a very unstable person; I have been called extremely volatile. I say something really meaning it then and then half an hour later, feel and say the complete opposite. I have read that it is the nature of the mind to be like a monkey, but my mind seems even more so than that of other people.

When you told me that Amma, I tried my best to change. I chanted the moola manthiram and tried to be regular with my prayers. (I realise now that I did'nt really do my best, Amma; because then I would have made sure I was regular with my prayers and not just 'tried'!) My mind seemed a little steadier but not perceptibly so, and it continued to be in a constant state of change. It caused me a lot of pain and frustration and hurt people around me too.

Is that what happens, Amma? That when the mind is erratic and inconstant, it feels painful and also inflicts pain on people it interacts with?

Only yesterday Amma, I was upset with you; and asked you why my mind was still so unsteady after genuine efforts on my part and all your blessings. And magically you answered me, when you sent me the message that my mind would be stable from this point on.

And it has been, Amma. It feels calm and clear. It feels like my closest friend now, rather than like the worst enemy it has been for so long.

Amma, you have given me so many, many blessings. They are all wonderful gifts and I cannot really compare one with the other. But somehow this one is truly amazing. A strong, steady and loving voice inside me, instead of the self hating, unstable one I have heard all these years.

Today is truly the beginning of our new life, Amma, my husband's and mine. We know you are there with us, guiding and guarding us always and helping us fulfil the destiny we are intended to.

Amma, you have given us everything. I don't know how to even begin thanking you for all that you have done for us . I can only express my gratitude and my love. Thank you Amma.

Always your loving daughter,

Vidya