Truth

My dear Amma,

There have been no calls or messages from anyone until now. I am grateful and relieved. Thank you.

Amma, I have always thought that Life was a certain way. First marriage, then children, grandchildren. Sacrificing for the family or at least claimimng to.Most people I know live that life; I have never thought of whether they are happy. Everyone has their own problems and I suppose they have theirs.But that was what I saw as life, the only way. Most of my family live that life. I do have an aunt thrice married; a cousin whose husband left her; I never thought my life would be different from the majority.That;s why all this is upsetting me so much, making me feel guilty and horrible.

I've understood now there are two parts of me- my mind which swims in fear and guilt and my soul that draws me inexorably forward. Sometimes my mind relaxes and goes with the flow. Sometimes it protests and screams, but the soul's flow cannot be stopped and the mind is pulled along kicking and screaming.

Amma, I kept thinking I would feel so much better about all this if I had been the Heroine. As it is, I am the Villain. That is the role you have cast me in, and honestly Amma, that is not a role I enjoy playing. I would love to be the gentle, innocent heroine, not the wicked villain. But I have no choice here. You are the Director and this is how you have cast me in this play.

All my life, my family and friends have seen me as soft, gentle and innocent. I too thought that's who I was, but thinking back there've been many indications that I was not. Far from that, I am selfish and determined.

It suddenly struck me that it would be great to drop all the pretense and let everyone see me for who I really am, Amma. My children have always seen me as a loving, wonderful mother. Now everyone is beginning to see glimpses of the Real me. Even I am. And in one sense it is a relief, Amma. How wonderful if I could just be who I really am. Some people would hate me, some love me- but it would be based on reality, Amma. Finally, my life would be true.

Amma, why should I not live the truth? Why live a fake life to satisfy somebody when I could truly be me? I felt I would like to pack my bags and just walk away to the home you have given me. The thought of life with no pretense feels so liberating and good. Amma, tell me, what should I do? Tell me, please. Living a fake life to 'satisfy' the people I love and because I think I might hurt them is I think far more damaging to them than a real life where I live my truth and let them live theirs.

My love and I will be coming to see you soon, dear Amma. Please tell me then if it is time.

With love and gratitude,

From your loving child,

Vidya